i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
