I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
