i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
