I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
