i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
