You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
