He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
