I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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