whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
