Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
