Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
