he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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