Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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