Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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