just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
