I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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