im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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