Can i not drive my cunt home
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
