I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
