Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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