i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
