ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
