He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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