Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Moan for me like Helen Keller
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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