what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
