There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
