Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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