Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
