Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
