Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Randomize
