On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
