you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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