Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
