this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
