im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
