I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
