i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
