i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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