I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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