she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
