Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
