god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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