Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
