He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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