Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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