If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
