just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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