I am in a vortex of obligation.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
