Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
