I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
you never un-have a 4some
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
