time to smoke my breakfast
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
