Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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