He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
